"He that hath a beard..." (A Theory)

Beards. They have been a part of society since the beginning of time. From Jesus to Abraham Lincoln to Ron Swanson, beards are a timeless staple of mankind. And, with the recent rise of the hipster, beards are more popular than ever. You see them everywhere. They are on your baristas and tattoo artists. They are on your professors and famous actors. There is even beards on superhero’s. Beards are trendy. There are beard competitions, beard envy, beard styles, and beard oils. There are yeards, tweards, and terminal beards. Beards are the in right now, and they don’t plan on going anywhere.

With all the beards, I have a theory. Let’s call it the beard theory. It might be a radical theory, but it’s a theory nonetheless. The theory is this: if you have the ability to grow a nice beard, you are obligated to all male kind to grow your beard. It doesn’t have to be big, burly, and bushy. You don’t have to look like a dwarf from middle earth, nor do you have to be able to hide secret things in your beard. It can simply be neat and trimmed. But, if you are physically and biologically able to grow a full beard on you face, you are obligated to all other men to grow that beard.

            Here is why. Have you ever met someone with incredible talent? You know, the person in high school with all the athletic talent in the world, or that friend of yours with an incredible singing voice? Just think of someone with incredible talent. Now imagine that they don’t do anything with that talent. The athlete refuses to play sports, or the singer decides never to sing. Maybe you’ve known someone like that in your life. They probably drove you insane. They were wasting their talent. They refused to use it, and you’ve probably thought: if only you had that talent, you would have used it to do something amazing. You would probably argue that someone born with amazing talent, whether athletic, musical, or physical, is obligated to use that talent in society.

            This same logic applies to beards. If you have the biological ability to grow a beard, you have been born with an incredible talent. And you, like the athlete or the singer, are obligated to use that talent in the world. There are poor souls out there who cannot grow facial hair. There are poor chaps who can only grow chain hair or beards in patches. And these people would love to have your talent. They would give anything to have the ability to grow a beard, to have a full, lush face full of hair to show to the world.  Therefore, you, with all of your facial hair talent, are obligated to grow your beard. You are obligated to all the beardless men in the world to proudly wear your beard.

            And I know, I know, there are always excuses. The beard is too hot or too scratchy. The beard is not professional, or your lady friend doesn’t find it attractive. The reality is that all of those things are just excuses. Do you think LeBron James makes excuses to not play basketball? Do you think Justin Timberlake makes excuses to not sing? No. Both men understand that they have talent, and they use that talent to make a difference in the world. You could be the LeBron James of beards. Dropping buckets with your majestic fur. You could be the Justin Timberlake of beards. Serenating society with your luscious locks. There are no excuses when it comes to the talent of a beard. If you have that talent, you are obligated to all men everywhere to wear that beard.

            Therefore, as Shakespeare says, ““He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man” (Much Ado About Nothing, William Shakespeare). Don’t be less than a man. Be more than a youth. To all men everywhere, if you have the ability and the talent to grow a beard, you are obligated to grow that beard. So grow it. Grow it proudly. Grow it loudly. Grow it boldly, and pay your dues to every man everywhere.